A Lil Bit of Hunny

Another Week

2006-04-06T19:43:00.000-06:00

I made it through another week! Yeah missed my Wednesday meeting, bad, but did make it through! I have close to 4000 eggs for the Easter Egg Hunt. About 30 baskets and prizes. And one big stuffed Lamb for a Grand Prize. I am excited, but tired. So good night and I will write about it on Sunday. Hunny

Just A Monday

2006-04-03T20:34:00.000-06:00

Compared to 3 weeks ago, tonight was BLISS! I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but I can not continue to ignore the fact that they are both drinking way too much and not getting out of the house. My sisters care, but face it they are 1000's of miles away. Brother thinks it is a joke and is too wrapped up in his own life to even get involved. He promised Sis2 that he would visit this weekend. Well I missed that, no he missed it! Tomorrow I plan on taking the time to write both of my parents a letter and let them know how I feel. I can't talk to them when they are sober and impossible when they have been drinking. Work is work. Not the best, but it hasn't been too bad lately. I won't let my guard down, but it has been better. Kids didn't do well with Report cards. Daughter pulled a fast one, but trying to hide the fact that report cards came out so she could go out. It worked, and now she has lost my respect and more trust. Tell her that, and she doesn't believe it. Then she asks to go out with Friends and I say no. I wonder why? Then I want her help with the Easter Egg Hunt this weekend. She says no. Here is the thing though, she can't compete right now at the meets because of her grades. Son needs to leave the Easter Egg Hunt stuff alone. It is taking over the Dining room and some of the living room. 4000 plastic eggs does that. I am looking forward to it. I will enjoy making everyone smile and being silly. Later Hunny

Been A Long Time

2006-03-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

Just a short note, I haven't spent much time writing lately. Things get out of control in life, and then your forced to take control again. So here it is that I am taking control again. I refuse to be a parent to my parents! I repeat, I will not cover for them, remember your serentity prayer. More later. Hunny

Cutting My Wrist

2005-11-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Before I started keeping a journal at the Hospital, another incident happen. This one did not grant me a stay in the Special Care room, this one was 9 stitches, and the revoking of my ability to attend my Graduation from High School. Upon entering Harding I was told that it would be a strong possibility that I would be allowed a pass to go home and attend my graduation from High School. If you have been reading this blog you might remember mention of a picture of my boyfriend that had died in an motorcycle accident. It was in a small wallet frame with glass. I was allowed to keep it, later they would regret this. It was an average day at Harding, I can't even remember what set this episode off in my life. I became upset about something. Feeling no control in my life, I took a towel, removed the glass from the frame, and broke the glass. With the glass shard in my right hand I drew it across my left wrist. Deep enough to cut tendons in several fingers. Blood started flowing, and I snapped out of the trance I was in and screamed. I screamed and screamed. I had just cut my wrist in an apparent attempt to hurt myself, and I couldn't remember what led up to that moment. I just saw the blood. Nurses and physicians assistants came running. A towel was wrapped around my wrist and it was determined that I need more medical attention. I was taken to the local emergency room where I received stiches, and a splint. It tooks weeks of recovery for the tendons in my fingers to heal. It was the next day they informed me that "I would be too embarrassed by the cut, and splint on my wrist to attend my graduation". I was devastated. I had been holding on to that escape. I was praying for that. It was bad enough to miss the last half of my senior year, but my graduation? Things went down hill from there for awhile. I didn't care about my treatment. I didn't want to get better, I acted out more. I started the relationship with Steve that caused so much turmoil in my life. It took close to 2 months for me to get back on track with my treatment, to "play" the game. Today when I look down at my left wrist it will always be a reminder of what I missed, but also what I have accomplished. After all, I did make it out of Harding Hospital. I am 40 years old, been married 20 years, and have 2 healthy children. I still have that picture of Richard, somewhere, the frame long gone. The memories, still fresh. Later Hunny

July 15, 1983

2005-11-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

July 15, 1983 A lot has happened this month that I haven't bothered to write about for 3 weeks. I been letting things build up inside of me. Last night I did something stupid. I spent the night in Special Care (this was a room with a cot, with no metal, a mattress, and a quilt for a blanket) because I started hitting the window and was upset. I was determined to break the glass. I am such a stupid impulsive girl. (I was 18 when I wrote this) I broke up with Steve last night and it hurt. When I came downstairs I saw him talking to Jan. I wanted someone to talk to, but there was no one. When Stoney came into the room I asked her if she would come sit with me. Then something snapped. I didn't want to hurt myself, I just wanted to get rid of my anger. Now I am on a medication to keep me on an even keel or calm me down. I don't want to be on it, but I would say anything to get out of special care. Also I would do anything not to go back in there. I have to learn to find a release. I have been placed on regular again, have to work back up to U.A. again. Starting all over. (there were different levels at the hospital, regular when you got there, U.A being un-attended to and from activities, grounds being allowed to be out on the grounds un-attended, there there was towns, which of course allowed you to leave the campus). Now that I am out I am going out of Special Care, where there are people I'm trying to accept their feeling towards me. I feel them looking at me like I've got a contagious disease. Stoney said I should stay in Special Care, because I haven't seemed to learn. I have learned! Just I've got to work harder on my goals. I don't want anymore of this, I've been here 4 months and I want to be out by October. Steve made me realize that in the past I thought everything would be okay if I had a boyfriend. Well that doesn't work to well does it? I still have deep feelings for Steve and that is what makes it hard seeing him on a daily basis. It won't be easy, but I won't talk to him. I will act like he not at the hospital. I went to ceramics today. It was hard to admit that I was on regular again. Being escorted to my activities after gaining so much, was embarrassing. Nobody talks to me, at activities or on the unit anymore. I've stopped attending SEED Group, we have a new member, and I don't want to have to introduce myself. I got a letter from Mom today, she told me to keep up the good work. A little late for that, I will have to write her tomorrow and explain what happened. One good thing from last night, before any of the above happened, I got to talk to my Grandma & Grandpa. It was really nice talking to them, also funny.................................................................... As I look back and remember that night, I was a frighten young girl, not able to deal with her feelings. I had been rejected by a young man that I had given my love too at the hospital. He was older. Steve was there because he had issue with drugs, and not dealing with his feelings. He was tall, dark and handsome. The typical bad boy. I fell hook, line and sinker. What it got me was a night of screaming. I pounded my clenched fist against that glass screaming over and over again. Funny all these years later I can remember how dark it looked on the outside of the glass, like a reflection of my heart at the time. I think Stoney ratted me out and the nurses and physician assistants (remember they were all ex body builders) came running. They restrained me and moved me to Special Care. This room was small. Stark, and everything you expect in a Hospital for the mentally insane. As I wrote in this entry, I would do anything to get out of that room, not realizing that it would be my home again during my stay at Harding. To this day, when I get really upset, I prefer to go to a dark room. A closet or the bathroom works best. Must be part of what is left from Harding, learns to calm down and deal in the dark.

A journal entry from June 27, 1983

2005-11-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Hunny, You can do whatever you need to do to get well, but, you don't need to run and hide. You don't need impulsiveness or men for attention. Dam girl, give it to yourself. If you need a pat on the back your arm can reach, and it is not being conceited. If you need attention take a hot bath, do a face mask, or change your hair style. With the impulsiveness to hurt yourself to rid your anger or for attention, cool it by a shower, or sing your lungs out into a pillow. Don't pity yourself, because that is being conceited. When you start, say to yourself "Dam fool stop!, Where does it get you?". If you don't like yourself now, do something you like yourself at. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work. Try another one. When you need arms to hold you and words to solace you; read letters from home. You can do it girl. Hell it has been done before by people a lot worse then you. You've got insight as to what is going on with you. Use the cliche' "Practice what you preach" It is very true. Also don't do what would hurt you! Something inside you has faith and loves you! I wrote that entry in 1983, at that time I had been in Harding Hospital for close to 3 months. Life had been tough, but I often go back and ready this entry to remind me that I have faced much worse then a day at work with shitty co-workers. If nothing else I am a survivor. More another day, Later Hunny

First Night at Harding

2005-11-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well another week has started. It began with most male bloggers blogging about how the two female NFL Cheerleaders were arrested after they were found to be having sex in the bathroom at a club in Florida. Everyman's wet dream. I think every man I have met has had a fantasy of watching two woman get it on. Now a certain part of me, My evil twin, thinks this is very funny and would be making jokes, like wish I was next in line and such, but instead, I only mention it here, and to my hubby who of course smiled. Now I haven't mentioned Harding Hospital in several entries, so I will go back tonight. It was my first day. My parents and I were walking to towards the cottage with the nurse. I reached into my bag that I was carrying and showed her a picture of Richard, in a cheap "glass" frame. Asking her "Is it alright to keep this?" Her reply was yes, little did I know that would play such a crucial role latter on. My first impression of Westover was quaint, until I got inside. When you entered, to the right was the nurses station. It was a low counter about 5 feet or more long, where a nurse would sit on one side. Under the windows was a bunch of locked drawers. This was where patients blow dryer, curling iron, electric razors and anything deemed dangerous would be kept, and only signed out to the patient as needed. To the left was a circular stairwell to the 2nd floor, and a sitting area. Patients rooms were to the left men, and to the right women. Bathrooms were to the right. Some of the rooms were big with nice big widows. My first room was medium sized with a wardrobes to hold our clothes that made the room seem small. There was a big window that had bars on it reminding you that you couldn't get out. My first roommate was named Stoney. She was there because she had tried to kill herself after her boyfriend had broken up with her. She regretted it, the moment she realized she had survived. Stoney was a little bit slow, and felt she didn't belong there. None of us belonged there. Stoney would write poetry, and her parents would come visit her. Her parents had her late in life, and she was all they had, they couldn't understand how she could have hurt herself. Whenever they visited, they would tell me about finding her and their reaction. I did not want this information, and although Stoney and I shared this, we did not get along, and I was grateful when Stoney signed herself out of the hospital and I got a new roommate. The thing that stands out the most in my mind about my first night at Harding was as the sun set that night I wanted to go outside, I put my coat on, walked to the door only to be told that I was not allowed to go outside. That is when the reality of where I was set in. That I was no longer allowed to come and go as I pleased that I was locked inside. I pounded the door in frustration, crying out and causing a big scene. Only to be escorted to my room and told that is not how we behave here. Life at Harding had begun.

Customer Service

2005-11-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I made it through another week, in the job from Hell! The week even had to end on a sour note. Last week I went to a class sponsored by the university called "Connections" it was all about being nice to the students, and about good customer service. Well I pride myself on my customer service skills. I treat a customer like I myself want to be treated. Our offices bills and services Voicemail for all the students on campus. Some of the students this year for some unknown reason were not told about the deadline for turning off the service, so it was extended to this past Friday Nov 4, at 5pm. At 4:45 a young lady came in the office wanting to cancel this service. She was on the phone with her 3 roommates and they were on the way to the office to fill out the forms. She filled out the 4 forms and signed hers. She had to leave because she was do at work at 5 pm, less then 8 minutes away. I addressed her by name, told her I would hold her form, and wait to have the others sign. She left. Well My Superfreak boss, snidely said she wouldn't let someone else leave there form. That this student will be complaining that she left her form, so we will have to refund her money. The whole time a snide look is on her face. I say nothing and go on about my business. 2 minutes later her roommates show up, fill out the forms, and problem solved. She will remember me as nice and the others as rude. Then with 2 minutes to go 3 boys step in and need to fill out the forms. They don't' know their identification numbers, or room phone numbers, so I help them out. The hold time Red is looking at me reminding me that we have a student that can take them. I ignore her and finish the transition. They left happy. Moral, be nice! Well I started that post at the beginning of the weekend. It is now Sunday night and I return to the job from "Hell" tomorrow. Best part it is a short week. Veteran's Day is Friday, and although most of them will work, I took it off. I can do nothing better at home. This was a long weekend and all I seemed to do is sleep. I didn't get up on Saturday till 1 pm in the afternoon. I would have slept all day. Right now I am awake and alert thanks to Hubby running to the store and getting my favorite Energy Drink. Only one place sells them around here and I find that they work the best to get me going.

So wish me luck for the coming week, looks like it will be a battle uphill all week. The chair lift is being placed. We have an appointment without the Lawyer. Busy week.

Later

Hunny

A Chair Lift, STUPID

2005-10-27T21:03:00.000-06:00

Another long day at work, boy am I starting to really dread getting up in the morning and going to work. Soon instead of going up the stairs the old fashioned way, I will be going up on a chair lift. Doesn't that sound exciting? Well I can tell you I am not excited about it! And here are 10 reasons why! 10) I will look stupid sitting there going up or down on the stupid thing! 9) It shows everyone that "Gee she sure looks STUPID!" 8) I will look stupid riding the dam thing on Monday! 7) I will look stupid riding the dam thing on Tuesday! 6) I will look stupid riding the dam thing on Wednesday! 5) I will look stupid riding the dam thing on Thursday! 4) I will look stupid riding the dam thing on Friday! 3) It is just STUPID! 2) Did I mention it is STUPID? 1) And the number one reason, I THINK IT IS STUPID! So as you can see, I am not thrilled about this new development. I don't want to announce to the whole building, that I am having problems. I know I have a disability, but it wasn't until recently that I admitted that. So now I have to show the world, that hey, Hunny can't walk up and down the dam stairs! I hate that! What I really want to know is WTF is going on with me anyway! I have been thinking about postponing the appointment to the Cleveland Clinic in December. It is too close to Christmas, and to stay in the hotel next to the hospital is about $130 a night. If I have to be there more then 2 days that will really suck. The only good part is I just might have meet the requirements for my merit bonus! The bad part is the federal government takes 25%. Well soon I will start entering some of my diary entries from when I was at Harding. I have also saved all the letters my parents got from me and all the ones I received when I was there. Very interesting stuff. Later Hunny

New Computer Is Here

2005-10-26T20:50:00.000-06:00

Yeah, It finally got here! A Brand New Computer!!!!! I am so excited. Now I can really start writing. I can't wait. I have so many things I want to put here. Right now a update. It has been a weird couple of weeks. The neurosurgeon didn't want to see me, he recommended that I see a Pain Management Specialist. I am not complaining about the pain, I am complaining about the numbness, the balance issue. Come on guys. So the Dr. B ran some blood tests, mainly for MS, ALS, Lymes, and B-12, and I think Thyroid. All came back negative. Yeah, but not so good. I am still having symptoms. Weird ones. My whole right side will go numb. What I mean is my hand and my foot go numb. Then there is the dragging of my right foot sometimes. Recently my tongue went numb. I really don't like that one. So Dr. B is sending me to the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland. The appointment is not till December though. Between now and then I expect the symptoms to get worse, and possible damage. I just want to know what is going on. Well later, Hunny

New Computer, Waking up Scared

2005-10-07T17:51:00.000-06:00

Hopefully the new computer will be here soon!!!!! I am so excited! So for now no posting, but will have lots when I get back on! The second thing I wanted to share with everyone is what happen to me yesterday. I woke up and my mind couldn't tell my legs what to do, I had to have my hubby help me out of bed. I felt sick to my stomach and had no control over my bowels. Wonderful. Needless to say I didn't go to work seeing that I wasn't walking very well. I rested all of yesterday and today and feel much better. I am still waiting on the newest Doctor to review my tests and films and decide weather or not to see me or start a treatment program. All I know is I don't really want anymore mornings like that. I was scared and frustrated. I am feeling better today, but I have a very full day tomorrow so we will see how it goes tomorrow. I have our annual meeting for the Bored of Trustee's that I am secretary for, then the rugrats both have a meet tomorrow. Wish me and them luck! later Hunny

2005-09-27T06:54:00.000-06:00

Well I sit here at work, wishing the day was over, long before it will be over. I have a little more then an hour and half left of work and it pains me to sit here.Yes it is easier now that I have a new chair and nice desk, but my neck hurts to move! It has been awhile since I have written or been able to write for my blog. Mainly because my computer has crashed, and is no longer working. The computer I am using at this time is limited as it operates on Windows 98, and doesn't even have the capabilities to be hooked up to DSL. When I last wrote, I wrote about my suicide attempt when I was 18 years old. WhatI haven't been able to write since then is ironically the man who was my Doctor that I met while I was recovering from that attempt on my life died of natural causes several days after my post. Dr. P as I called him for years played a very importantpart in my life. I can't say what he did with me was wrong or right, but I know that it has affected me to this very day. So in order to give you an idea how this Dr. played into my life, here is the background. I met Dr. P as I was lying in the bed in ICU, I had just tried to take my life andI was still out of it, I could barely pronounce his name, and he said just call him Bill. I was never able to do that, so out came Dr. P. Dr. P was a psychiatrists, and he became my lifeline, and at the same time my and the (word escapes me at thistime, the meaning I am looking for is that he was the one who held the keys to my survival). He was the one who told my parents what to do with me. Ultimately it was Dr. P that made the suggestion that would change my whole life and make me the adult I am now. He is the one who suggested I go to Harding Hospital. For that I will always be angry at him, will always feel that he failed me in some way. For years I was dependent on him. Even after I was married, had kids of my own that dependency was there. He had me with the xanax, for the longest time they were so easy to take and forget about everything with. Now I am better, I seldom take them. I have learned I donlt like the person I become when I do take them, so new different drugs have taken there place. But back to my love/hate relationship with Dr. P. After my suicide attempt, I was going to see him two to three times a week. Often times it was my mother who would bring me to these sessions. I remember one session in particular, I think this was the one that eventually sent me to Harding. Sometime during the middle of my session with Dr. P I had had enough, and I ran out, I ran out of the building and away from it all. I was going to run far away from my life, but never got very far. I hid out in a church lying in there baptism bath, waiting for night to fall,thinking and planning on where to run to next. During this time my mother and brother were looking for me. I made the mistake of going back towards the office that day to say goodbye and was spotted by my brother. He chased me down and pulled me back to Dr. P's office. It was then decided that my parents and Dr. P could no longer deal or handle my problems and that I would need more help. Harding Hospital was suggested. Little did I know at that time what that place would do to me. How it would make me feel, how it would change me. How just hugging a person was wrong. There was so many things that place did to me, that I will save that for another day. I have been lucky in that regard, my diary from my stay at Harding Hospital survived my house fire, and is still with me today. I have gone back and read some of my entries and it surprises me how I learned to play their games. For now I will let it lie, but when I get my new computer I will start to retype some of my entries so you may understand how putting an 18 year old girl, who was unsure of herself, her sexuality, and most of all unsure of the world in an environmentof pedophiles, rapists, druggies, and you name it. And this was supposed to be a safe environment. Needless to say I don't mourn the passing of Dr. P. For me it has finally shut a chapter in my life that I have been trying to shut for years. I am no longer able to go back to him and yell like I wanted to that he failed me, that he was wrong with my care, that he made me dependent on him for drugs, and he left me needy. That chapter is closed. It may be revisited, but it is gone. So goodbye Dr. P, I hope where ever you went, you have someone looking at you and telling you that a Hospital for the mentally ill would be in your best interest.............

2005-09-04T16:48:00.000-06:00

My Favorite Picture of me!

Overdose

2005-09-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

I believe my last post was about breaking my nose. Boy that was an experience. Had to spend the night in the hospital to get it fixed. That sucked. Life continued to change after that. I was on medication for seizures that had no medical reason for happening. I was frustrated. I didn't seem to have any control over my emotions . One minute I was fine the next I was crying. My parents thought I was on drugs. Me, I just wanted it to stop. Now where I am going to take you is one of the darkest moments in my life, the other happen when the deer crossed the road, but I will stay at the task and tell you about the night I took a whole bottle of prescription siezure medication. Over Christmas break my senior year, I was morose, I was unhappy, and no one could touch me. At dinner one night I took the bottle of pills I was on for my seizures and shook out about 8 pills and announced "I need a new prescription Mom, I am almost out", when in reality there was basically a full bottle. Setting the stage so to speak for my latter overdose. At school that day I was the happiest I had been in weeks. I was bubbly and everyone noticed. I guess subconsiously I had made the decision to take the bottle of pills. It started out as a normal evening, me fighting with my parents over something I can't even remember. Going up to my room and storming around. Somehow I remembered to set my alarm clock to get me up in the morning. Little did I know that that was what saved my life. Then I started feeling depressed and decided that I had had enough, I swallowed the whole bottle of pills and began to wait. When there was no effect right away, I decided I needed to really do this right and I needed alcohol to go with it. Well all I could find was a bottle of Brandy and I didn't want my parents to catch me drinking it if they came downstairs to check why I was still awake so I mixed it with milk. It tasted terrible and I only got a couple of sips in when my father came downstairs. I explained that I couldn't sleep and was drinking some milk. Luckily it accepted this and went back upstairs to sleep. I went over to the sink and poured the fowl tasting concoction down the drain. Off to bed I went. I didn't give it a thought that I had swallowed a bottle of pills earlier. Beep Beep Beep my parents heard the next morning. My alarm clock going off. I myself was comatose. My parents first reaction when I didn't get up and turn the alarm off was that I was tired from being up late the night before, but as it continued they began to realize that something was not right. Rushing to my room they couldn't awaken me. First they called my sister that lived up the street, she was in nursing school at the time. Then they called 911. I was taken to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. No one had a clue that I had taken close to 30 pills. They thought I had only taken a couple. So I was placed in a regular room. An alert nurse, coming in to check me noticed that I had stopped breathing and the rest I have never been told. I awoke several days later in ICU, mean and my brain foggy. Turned out that having taken the pills over 7 hours before my body had absorbed more then they had expected. I should have died that day. The near death experience I had was at first look just a dream to me, but when you examine it you see it was exactly what they call "near death experiences". I remember being in a hallway, looking up towards a beautiful light shinning behind Richard. He was dressed as a monk, his arms outstretched to me. He was encouraging me to come to him, that he would take care of everything. I started walking down this hallway, when everything disappeared. I believe in my heart this is when the nurse found me and the did the emergency procedures they do to revive a person. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see that hallway and Richard standing there with his arms outstretched to me. Several years later in a class at college in sociology we had a speaker who was discussing the phenomena of near death experiences. During her whole speach she couldn't stop staring at me. We spoke afterwards about my experience and she said that is why she felt a connection to me when she saw me in the room. Me, I sometimes wish that I had made it up that hallway into Richards arms. So now you know of one of my worse attempts to kill myself. I am not proud of that moment, but realize I was 18, lost and feeling that my emotions had all the control over me. That should have been my first indication that I was a survivor, but I didn't figure that out for years. Later

Breaking My Nose

2005-08-29T19:09:00.000-06:00

Ok, those tests are over, but more are coming. I just want to know why my feet go numb, can anyone answer that? Didn't think so. Well onto other subjects. The last time I traveled back in time it was to that July night that I lost Richard. Life for me after that just got harder. It got harder and harder to keep my emotions in control when I went back to school that year. I started Field Hockey for my last year in High School. During the day I was ok, sometimes I would go from one extreme to the other emotion in a given day, but nothing compared to what was happening to me at night. One morning I awoke to find people in my bedroom. My head felt heavy and my tongue was sore, not to mention I think I had wet the bed. The people in my bedroom were EMT's and I had had a seizure. The first of many in my life. After that I was placed on medication and the testing began. I had EEG's of my brain, MRI's that revealed that instead of 2 normal arties into the brain I had three. This caused more testing where I spent the night in Children's Hospital where they did an Angiogram. All the tests came back with no reason for my seizures. The medicine made me dopey and I hated having to take it for the rest of my life I thought at the time. Needless to say who would know that my having to take a prescription, would almost cause my death. I didn't like the medicine, the mood swings I had before became more abrupt. I had no control for 2 weeks out of the month and I hated it. One day in gym class, as we were playing kick ball, I got on the wrong side of a girl in the class below me. As we passed each other her going out into the field me coming in, the insults started. Next thing I knew she was on my back hitting on me. She knocked me down and gave me a good blow to my nose breaking it. Then somehow she broke my new necklace from the Field Hockey coach I had gotten for being a senior. I remember being more mad that she had broken my necklace then my nose and it took several gym teachers to get me off of her. The school tried to call my parents but they were out with my grandparents that were visiting from New Jersey. My sister came and got me. I got suspended for 3 days. I was sitting on the couch when my parents and grandparents walked in. Mom went nuts. Dad wouldn't say anything. I don't know where my grandfather was, but my grandmother was great. I don't remember the words that she said, but I remember the feeling she gave me and it was Love. I needed it that day. Several days later it was another stay in the hospital as my nose got fixed. Little did I know that I would spend a lot of time in a hospital in the future. Enough for now, time for the present, my back hurts, my feet are numb and I am tired. More another day.

EMG's, Discograms, 20 Years

2005-08-18T18:45:00.000-06:00

Been over a week since I have taken the time to put my thoughts here. A lot has happened in this week. Monday I had a EMG, now for those that don't know what this is I will explain. You lay there and a Doctor places electrodes on your legs and a needle into you leg. He will then shock you with the electrodes while recording what the nerves are doing with the needle. You get shocked over and over again and you get to feel the needle move around. On a scale of 1 to 10 of my all time worst things to have done to me, I would rate it a 5. Tuesday I rested and recouped and got ready for Wednesday. Wednesday came and I was to be at the hospital by 6 am. An ungodly hour for anyone. On the way there we had a detour and I was tempted to say just turn around and go home now. We arrived at the hospital and I got the usual run around and finally found the right place to be. The worse thing about having a Discogram is that you can't have anything for the pain and limited amount is given to you to help sedate you. They have you lay on your stomach and they prepare your lower back draping a sterile cloth over you. The whole time your laying on a 3 foot table holding on to what amounts to handle bars. Your not allowed to move and as the Doctor inserts needles into your back. He does numb the area a little, but needless to say when the needle reaches the disc and he injects a die into the disc you want to scream the pain is exploding. I saw flashes of white and the obnoxious Doctor and Nurse asking if the pain was similar to what I experience with my back, was it worse, where did it originate from. Blah Blah Blah Buy the time he got to the 4 disc I was beyond pain. When the procedure is over they send you for a CAT Scan. Still nothing for the pain. When they had me in the CAT Scan the pain was so great I couldn't will my legs to move for me. On the scale of all time worse things I have had done to me I would rate it a 10. Not a pleasant experience, and one I don't wish to repeat again in the future. Eventually the pain lessened, (with the help of two vicodan) and getting up and moving around. It never felt so good to go to the bathroom. It is now Thursday and I am still sore, waiting to go to bed. When Wiggle and Hubby get home, that is where I will head. Friday Babysit and rest. Saturday MARRIED TWENTY YEARS TO THE SAME MAN! VERY PROUD OF THIS ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!! Later I will give you my plans to celebrate our anniversary. Hunny P.S. Lil Bit is still running! He hasn't quit Cross Country yet and school starts on Tuesday. I am proud of him.

Monday Night-Board Of Trustee's Meeting

2005-08-08T15:54:00.000-06:00

Monday Night, wonderful that means another Board of Trustee's meeting. Now I serve as the secretary of this Board of Trustee's meeting, it may sound like a glamorous job, but it really isn't. I live in the second largest community for a small agricultural county, somewhere in the USA, (yeah I know that really narrows it down, but for reasons for my family I will be general), we have a 2 1/2 mile lake, private security, and a property owners association. Now I serve on the property owners association "Bored" of Trustee's. Most of the time I sit there writing about what is going on the whole time begging for someone to say the magic words of adjourned. But it is a thankless job. Nobody in the community attends the meetings except for a few regulars. Everyonces in awhile you will get a hot topic that will have everyone out and outrage, but usually it is quiet. Tonight no exception. Except I really really don't want to be there!!!!!! I know I ran for this position, not once but twice, but as the numbness in my foot increases and the pain in my back goes up, and my balance makes a drunk look good, I just want to lay on my bed and make the pain and numbness go away. Not smile and be polite, and make sure I say all the right things because I am a "pillar" of the community. I have done that all day with the people that claim to be a friendly and nice atmosphere to work in. Yeah if they would give me something to work on. How do they expect a person to sit there all day long and look like their working. (yes, that is when I read everyone else's blogs) but come on, like everything else it gets old. To smile and be polite when inside I am screaming at the person telling me to listen to them, "do I have my rubberband?". (another story later on). And while I am at it, how the heck can they say they accommodated a handicapped individual when they placed me in a position in an office in the only un-handicapped accessible building on the university campus? WTF? But again I digress, so it's Monday and I will be at the Bored of Trustee's meeting when I would rather see Lil Bit practice at his first Cross Country practice. I know that sounds stupid, but he is running for me since I am no longer able to do that myself. I am so proud to be a mother right now. But so don't want to be a Board of Trustee tonight. Wake me up when the meeting is over..................................

Demoliton Derby

2005-08-07T09:29:00.000-06:00

Went with the family to the local county Demolition Derby last night. The evening started out hot and crowded. They packed everyone in to the grandstand like sardines, with no place to put your elbows. With no place to move, it makes it tough to eat fair food. You have all had it before, bigger then ever onion rings, calazones, corn dogs, fries, and of course my personal favorite Cotton Candy! Being me and knowing when the sun went down I would get cold, I wore a long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. I was sweating so much, that I could feel it run down my back, soaking my underwear. It was uncomfortable. Finally a breeze started, and things cooled down. The Derby started as usually late, but it was worth it. In one heap, they had a female with a pink car and 4 jerks in matching maroon cars. Well the guys in maroon just ganged up on this poor pink car and landing up pushing it over on to its side. Congrats to the girl driving it, because she got out and shook it off, wish I could have done that! Well in the last feature of the night the 4 maroon cars were in it, they lasted only 5-10 minutes tops as everyone in the feature changed up on them, when they hopped out of their cars during a caution the whole crowd booed at them. Needless to say it was a good night. Watching the derby, being with my husband, seeing my son's excitement, and watching my daughter grow up. That was the hardest. One of the most difficult things a parents has to do is start to let their children be on their own. Watching those cars crash into each other, I remembered my own automobile accident and that in one months time, my daughter, Wiggle will be old enough for a drivers permit. Can we please press the pause button on this soap opera for awhile, I have to pee.

The End of July

2005-08-05T19:52:00.000-06:00

So that most of you will better understand why I feel my life is a soap opera, here is some background information. I will do this throughout my blog. This time we go back to the summer I was 17, 36-24-36, sun bleached blonde hair, tan and busty. The summer before my senior year of High School. It was an average July day - hot, today my whole family was gathered for dinner. My 2 big sisters, their husbands, their kids, my brother and my parents. To get out of having to help clean up after dinner, I often would ask if I could take the kids, a niece and two nephews outside to play. By the end of dinner they were usually restless and everyone was glad to see us go outside. We all walked along down to my neighbors house. They had a big odd shaped rock in their front yard. My niece and nephews would like to jump off the rock on to the ground. (this was really to them a big jump but only about 12 inches). Out of the blue I startrd to hear a rumble and I looked up to see a man turning the corner on a motorcycle. He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. As he pulled to a stop in front of me in the street I knew him to be the older brother of a friend of mine from school. He had recently gotten out of the service. Little did I know at that time that Richard had been going through the neighborhood for a couple of days now hoping to see me. Richard stopped and talked to me and played with my niece and nephews for hours that first night, I still have a picture of my niece and nephews on his bike, one was wearing the helment, and one of them was wearing his leather jacket. I loved that leather jacket. After that first night Richard started to drop by my house every night. On some nights he would bring fresh corn, or local produce, my family all liked Richard. One night we had to go to the store to get Beer for my father (Richard was old enough to buy it) when I said that I liked whatchamacallit candy bars. Several nights later, he showed up at my house after several hours of talking he remembered that he had bought me some whatchamacallit's, he had left them in his truck stuck in the visor. Needless to say it was July. They were a mess, but they were good. But I digress. Our first official date was to see the movie E.T., we stopped for ice cream and the van we sat in smelled of fresh apples. We talked a lot that night and during the movie I even swear that Richard cried when E.T. left, but I can't be sure. My mothers birthday was coming up and I asked Richard not to stop by that night because it was a family event, we made a date for the night after my mom's birthday and that was the last I saw Richard. The day we were supposed to have our date started out like every other summer day. My parents had gone out to dinner, and I was left to wait for Richard with my brother. Around 4 pm the time Richard usually showed up he hadn't gotten there. Shortly afterwards, I started to sit in the front window of my parents house on a milkcan waiting. Sometime during my wait my brother teased me that I had been stood up. Just what big brothers do to little sisters. The clocked chimed 8 times, and still there was no Richard. I remember glacing at the clock at 8:24 pm and a shiver ran down my spine and I was cold. It was July and my parents didn't have central air at the time. I shook the feeling off, but something weighed heavy on my shoulders that whole night as I countinued to sit and wait some more. Eventually my parents came home and said they were sorry that Richard hadn't shown up, because they would have taken me with them to dinner. I was still sitting in the window waiting when my parents told me to go to bed. Up I trudged to my bedroom to have the first sleepless night in my young life. I tried to sleep, but couldn't and landed up going downstairs to the dining room and listening to a Kenny Rogers Album with the headphones on (not to wake up my parents), playing solitaire the old fashioned way with real cards. Several hours later, I headed back up to bed, thinking I would finally sleep. I tossed and turned for a couple of more hours and last looked at the clock around 6 am, and fell into a fitfull sleep. The phone rang at 9 am, the ringing brought me fully awake. I heard someone answer downstairs and a scream shortly afterwards. Then heavy footsteps on the stairs. I was wide awake by the time my Dad got to my bedroom. He sat down heavily on my bed and began to tell me what had happened. Richard had been in a motorcycle accident around 4 pm the day before, he had hit the side of a Swan Ice Cream truck when he had tried to lay his bike down on a hot July road when the truck had backed onto the highway from a hidden drive. Yes he had been wearing his helmet, but it just wasn't enough. He died at 8:24 pm. Sitting on my bed next to my father a shiver ran down my spine and I looked over at an 8 x 10 picture he had just given me a couple of days ago of him in his uniform. I couldn't grasp that he was gone. I had never experienced a death this close to me before. Later that day at Richards parents home, I learned from his family that Richard had been saving money for what they thought would eventually be a ring. It seems while Richard had been in the service, his sister had written him. I also enclosed a letter to one of his bunk mates including my 10th grade picture in one of the letters. They found my picture in his wallet. It was that day they also told me that he had been riding through my neighborhood hoping to see me for about a week. Richards death didn't sink in till I saw them start to lower his casket into the ground. Needless to say I became emotional, breaking down and crying for the first time since his death. To this day I still don't like the month of July, (there will be more reasons later too). This past summer with my kids on a random road trip, I stopped and took flowers to his gravesite. It was closure on a chapter in my life. I introduced my son to him, my daughter wouldn't get out of the car, after all, "cemetery's are creepy Mom".

Crab Cakes

2005-08-04T17:52:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day. I wore flip flops all day and didn't trip once! Work was ok, it seemed a little like what it should be, a nice working environment with pleasant friendly people. Everything seem to be going well till the phone rang, caller id showed that it was my parents. Quick math, 7:00 pm means how many beers? MMMMMMMMmmmm better answer it. " I made some crab cakes, they are still warm, do you want some?" Dad says, Well sure, but I am in the middle of typing the minutes. Needless to say, I got in the car and drove to my parents house where I played the role of good daughter very well. I listen, commented that yes the crab cakes were good, but they were missing something. Try Cilantro, listen some more, got blamed for all three of there dogs, and listen somemore. Needless to say, my Mom got a beautiful ring for her birthday, that didn't happen and doesn't replace the one that was stolen. Dad, try Cilantro, and yes the Crab Cakes are very good. Everything was going fine till I heard my Dad say, "I spoke with your boss yesterday". Then he proceeded to tell me how he told my boss that I was having a tough time adjusting, that it was hard on me, that they needed to take good care of me here at the university. "You know your boss and I go back a lot of years". All the while in my head I am screaming no way, please tell me he didn't he didn't he couldn't have embarrassed me that way and made me look like I need my father to fight my battles. Please no. But he had, now I face going back to work tomorrow with that knowledge. The place is hard enough to work at with my being forced on this department because of the settlement, but now this. Just when I thought they were treating me different because I was proving I could do the job, and I find out it was maybe my Father. I am 40 years old, I want to fight my own battles. So I smiled and said thank you Dad, listened somemore and got the hell out of there. On the ride home IZ got turned up loud, and I fought back the tears. I was sent home with the usual goodie bag, this time two pair of pj's for my daughter, along with a bathrobe, 7 crab cakes, dog treats, and a box of recipe cards, that are just taking up space at Mom's house, so pawn off on her daughter so they gather dust at her house. So is life as a daughter. Life as a Mom has it dramatics today too. Wiggle went to Cross Country practice, but noone else was there. Lil Bit had his 3 goldfish of the week die. Hubby was great, while I typed the minutes he went for the Pizza. Medical tests are scheduled, 10 days to go. 6 being work days. Life goes on.

Welcome To My Life

2005-08-03T20:38:00.000-06:00

This Blog will be a mix of some of the past, a little of the present, and a Lil Bit of Hunny! My life for the past 20 years has been a married one with two kids, and a great husband. I have been among one of the lucky ones to "catch" a good one. No chance of me throwing this one back. What I may say in this blog may shock you, and for that I don't apologize, this is my life, often times I compare it with a bad soap opera. Now others can judge that for themselves. Welcome to my life. Hunny